I feel

Last night was a disaster.I felt miserable wishy-washy needy-wanty , with no shoulder to cry on. I feel funny.Friendless alone , but comfortable not warm. i want to feel warm aand cuddly and coddled and coddling.
Instead I come out angry and bustling with frustration. Infuriated at the gall of it all?! questionmark everything. I want to be held, to play board games and cards in some cozy corner rubbing my eye and yawning lightly and I can't. I don't trust anyone.
There's no point if it isn't safe.
And I don't feel safe. I shouldn't. it isn't.
But I want to.
I want to trust and love and be loved 'without' being used or manipulated or objectified or sexed.That homely childood feeling of just being in that warm soft endearing place ...
To get warmth one must give warmth but warmth can be so easily misintepreted expecially since i'm a woman. Yes I said it , I know men complain about being misjudged when they're just trying to be friendly but they know they aren't. They point it out all the time too. If a girl falls for it she's gullible and naive and if she doesn't then she's shrewd and paranoid.Damned either way.and sometimes he yells at you about being narrowminded just to win your trust and when you consider 'his side' he pulls a fast one.Probably the only situation where the guilty party splats a grin on his face mouthing 'you were right'.and then there's guilt and speculation , why did you consider him? You 'knew' he would why did you let him? do you 'like' him?
Well if you know you don't then why?
"ego": he called you immature/narrowminded,
what did he do to play you?
What was it this time "fine, let's be friends instead, no hard feelings" were you stupid enough to fall for these things (time and again!)or was it that when women say these things they 'actually' mean 'em.
Women 'do' feel comfortable being just friends, women call you narrowminded if they really think you are (unless it's behind your back ,which is bitching literally, not really honest.Us women!)
Stereotypically guys want sex and women want to cuddle.
guys hate cuddling, women refrain from sex (unless they're Pamela anderson types?Men like fake big boobs).

Then again research has shown that 'both' men and women prefer sensuality to the actual act(mating ritual) or its derivitives , then why do men nose in?
I mean why can't two people just be. To have and to hold and to love and to cherish without fondling or perversion?

good old Plato *sigh*
platonic love.
'he' was a man, maybe he was just saying that to 'bag chicks'?
maybe I 'am' shrewd and prejudiced.
I don't know how I got here. I sound like I want a relationship, but really a cozy fire, a few quilts, thick frothy chocolate mousse and family huddled with me would do. Except that there's no one around.

P.S.
I really wanted to meet people last night. i got so upset, I hate it when mummy tries to dress me up. I got a little cranky then 'she' decided that I didn't want to go but I did want to go, which made me madder. I just wanted it to be fun and warm and funny and tremendous. I wish I could drive there then everything would be fine. Or not.

I got angry again
she's gone for a walk.
I feel awful.
It doesn't make me a better person.
or even a good one.

'I wholly disagree with what you are saying but will defend to the death your right to say it'-voltaire

"Hinduism and buddism are the same except for differences in cosmogyny and the caste sysem"

casually dismissive.
errosive with error?
kay so astrology and yoga come in cosmogyny...
as far as I recall no one could/can convet to hinduism , i suppose it is because of the cast system.

midwest weather 9 ppl dead.
I'm bored
'feel like i should be studying econometrics.
or finishing up 'salt and saffron'
politics: nawaz sharif
supporting venal judges, corrupt feudals...
Cleptocrat BB
ditto and musharraf bashing.

both aggressive speakers looking to charging the city with imbalanced violent rage.
Imran Khan : too unpopular
supporting annd speaking against everything.
constructive criticism?
People like change just as long as they're not told to.

my brother think's I'm a selfrighteous bigot just because I thought the statement:'buddhism and hinduism are more or less the same religion'was/is a bit off.
of course it's intended to be. Controversy spurns thought, discussion, even argument, that's the whole point of making seemingly absurd statements like that.
but are they really 'seemingly' absurd , the devil's in the details , 'obviously' no two religions are the same, no two sects of the same religion are the same. Then can one argue that Two religions are the same religion but different sects... I think their believers will shout a resounding 'No' not for any reason really , just because it's personal.
Afte a little pushing about how chinese astrology differs from indian astrology,
and how yoga is hindu and not buddhistor buddhist not Hindu ... I haven't looked that up, 'cosmogyny' right.
and the difference in the 'caste' system is settled crookedly agaiin with how buddhism lays down/out different rights for men and women(what religion doesn't?)that's a very broad definition of caste/class. Probably a feminist argument.
I'd rather read up on hinduism and buddhism before entering a discussion or argument on it, but I was just taking the bait for good conversation.
It was bait.

It feels beeter to be questioning than merely accepting.
That thing I do, challenging the other's facts , more hinges on something irritating for my brother. but there's no fun in just nodding your head. how can the other have any fun either if s/he is merely dictating notes. discussion is the spice of life, winning ovr an unbeliever is far more gratifying than preaching to those who follow you blindly. "Active participation' , 'active learning' 'active listening' :all involve challenging discourse.
And are irrtating only when the object is 'not to learn' , 'not to change' 'Only to impress' 'being heard and not listened too'
making this 'blog thing' thoroughly unenjoyable :P
it's nice to toot one's horn once in a while.:D
hmm

reticence

hesitation in tonguewagging...
resitence to overbloated self-analysis...
calm

breathing...
tight
clustered crowded compounding conivving sinister
minister joker jester clown

I'm afraid of what I might say if i open my mouth .. it's scary wondering how long my jaw will drop-hang
and if my lip will lip or tremble or worse saliva might stream out...confusing chaotic miserable
the risk.
is there a risk?

sometimes lines are drawn but not taken seriously
walked upon cracked twisted
walked all over
smeared with a kind of ugly hateful illgotten winning.
stepped on
hard
slow

marked
sitting at a course gathering of dudes(dude means 'fool' in German, like dud)yapping breathlessly and continuously about skateboards and high skies, low skies? 'big dreams and shallow desire', 'a walk in the park' and sometimes, someone 'stark and corky' pukes all over himself immersed in big talk and phoy monologue unaware of the vomit everyone sees spilling all over him , the stench that the other bear... until that apocalyptic moment that dash of rum sickled in calm september rain , the falling of leaves. black jack , he sees his cards and knows he's lost everything. that look.. dazzling...

Ever found yourself musing about what would happen if you said something delicious.
something that would make you the victim of a million pranks. that would stamp on you a forever blend of insecurity bullies taunting every upcoming second of your life.Tarty
crazy
dewy
geeky
obscure
the proverbial 'butt' of all jokes???
do you dream of that moment
do extrema excite you to the point where, it's just not lame enough, not the embellishment of all stupidity.

blah blah

'still attempting to learno german , zimmr walking frame as i recall ...zimmernummer is either the room or key number. most 'Z' words in english are German... zietgeist zimmer?
zither???
I am blabbing as usual
lost the golden tongue
or the gift of gab i flattered myself into the conceit of having...
have to pay 120 dollars
before the 15th
I don't know how
I should put more energy into this
perhaps nag my financiers/benefaactiors/donors??/sponsors a.k.a my parents about it , 120 that isn't that much it's just four days... i feel weird confused rather.

tomorrow I will get chartpaper and foam , and deposit money and make money get a job , this adsense thing really doesn't work for me.

play the game and lose
play your game
your choosing
lose again?
I'll buy you a drink
lunch is on me
and we got free tickets to whereever
however
stay

soundproofing??? how is that done?

bon voyage

http://www.clixsense.com/?2228168
the pendendum
of a crass object
oozing gloriously of insult
and disgrace
the aurora of broken verses torn and dished from scorpian legs
the eve of evil
the tongue of disgust
taste of fire
burning in breath

the time table says 4:30 to 7:30
BUT HOW CAN THE TIMETABLE BE RIGHT
it never is.
learn
learn from the past
move slowly
and eat soil
I lknow this is drivel/bukwaas/bunkum/etc
mua
your hostess retires to dine with disgrace
courtsy... spelling
gaffes
I have class right now.